You are what you wear?

Obviously I haven't updated my blog for quite some time. I have lotsa things on my mind that I've been thinking of writing about here, but I keep postponing. Grr...

Some of the reasons I made this new blog and closed the old one are:

1. My old blog was a little too 'childish'.

2. I wanted a new platform to share my PhD journey. 

3. My previous blog had too much of my pictures not covering my aurah.

So relating to no.3, I'm gonna talk a bit on clothing today. I hope this won't be too lengthy, as my other entries.

My good friends before I got married knew how 'stubborn' I was when it came to clothing.

During those days, I would consider myself not too sexy, and surely not that modest. On normal occasions not governed by any 'rules', I wouldn't wear any head scarves. I didn't exactly come from a religious family. So, it didn't really feel odd. I was not being rebellious. I just didn't feel like wearing it. I considered my hair to be a big part of my identity. Yeah, of course I gave lotsa 'excuses' which were then all very valid to me. 

My secondary school was pretty religious actually, and I was surrounded by mostly religious friends who observed Islamic teachings, clothing-wise. I was ridiculed my some boys about not wearing the hijab. Some even had the audacity to say "Kalau tak pakai tudung, baik bogel je". I cried. Did that make me want to wear a hijab? Nope. It pretty much had a reverse effect. I became even more stubborn and hated all these pretentious people who acted like God.

Even during university years, when I joined UiTM for a while, I was among a very small number of 'free-hair' girls in UiTM Jalan Othman. I always received cold stares from seniors. Not exactly motivating.

When I joined IPBA, there were 10 of us in a 'dorm'. 7 of us were Malays, and at the beginning, I was the only one who was free-hair. I didn't care. I just was the kind of person who didn't give a d*mn, as long as I did not interfere in other people's business.

All through the university years, there were ups and downs. Whenever I was with 'alim-looking' people who were being nice to me, and didn't seem to judge me, I really thought highly of these people. I admired them. A true reflection of Muslims. Nonetheless, there were people who were a little too judgmental, saying nasty things, who totally turned me off from becoming 'one of them' - wearing head scarves but whose personality did not exactly reflect true Muslims, who by right shouldn't judge others.

Actually, even my own mom started wearing hijab after the age of 40, and I started wearing one after I got married. Ok, to be exact, 3 weeks after I got married. So I have been a 'hijabi' lady for just over 6 years. I remember feeling very anxious to see my mom's reaction when she first saw me in hijab. It was at the airport in Alor Star. She was trying to find a girl with long hair, but couldn't find one. Of course she looked shocked when she finally realised my new image, but I'm glad it wasn't too awkward. Hehe. Doesn't really matter now. We all develop at a different pace. 

Ok I don't even know where this is going, but basically I think I want to convey the message that wearing a hijab is still relatively new to me. It has started to feel normal in the past 1-2 years, but not really before that. 

And my progress to 'improve' myself, in terms of covering aurah, has been quite slow. I started off with just wearing 'bawal', not quite covering the chest area. I didn't care much about whether my pants were too tight or if my top was too short. Then slowly, with the examples shown by good friends, I started wearing longer tops, bigger shawls, and then slowly wearing socks and hand socks. It wasn't a drastic change for me from the beginning, obviously. Of course I wish I had made a better and faster change, but I do believe that it was such a gradual change too that made the habit easier to be formed and difficult to be lost, in my situation. I think, knowing my personality, if there were people who condemned my un-Islamic way of dressing in my first few attempts at covering my aurah, I would have been defensive and turned the other way around, out of disgust.

I would like to thank my friends and anyone around me who have been silently preaching me to be a better Muslim, in this respect, by simply becoming good role models. By exemplifying good behaviours, and modest looks which make me strive to become a 'better' Muslim. That it feels attainable..That it doesn't seem difficult...that they could still look good!

Clearly, there are a lot of things I need to improve in this sense. For example, I still love colours soooo much. So for now, it's very dfficult for me to give up colourful clothing and makeup. Oh, and heels too! I still love fashion. I know there are many opinions on this, but this is the best I can do for now. Allah knows my intentions, I'm not out to attract guys etc and He knows I'm trying my best. He is the All-knowing, who looks for my effort, not 'perfection'. But, insya Allah slowly but surely, I will try to be a better person, on the inside and outside.

Does covering my aurah 'better' than before means that I'm a 'better' person now? Nope. Not necessarily. There are in fact at certain points of my life I feel that I was nicer back then, when I didn't exactly look Islamic enough. This journey teaches me to be less judgmental and be more open to diversities around me. Only Allah has the right to judge.

Now, I'm more than happy to shop for Muslimah clothing labels which sell loose tunic tops and other less revealing styles. I realise I can still look acceptable, feel good about myself whilst trying to please Allah too. Yeah, I had to give up some deep-seated interests in earings and hairstyles, but I've developed other new interests too. I'm more than excited these days to have a good collection of nice instant shawls that will make my life easier, as easy as it was to just go out of the house after a shower with damp hair. There are no more excuses.

Islam is easy. Let's not make it difficult.

Thank you Allah for your help and for bringing the right people into my life.

Thank you.

Azrin

"Orang mana?"

That's a very simple question asked by many fellow Malaysians, which is far from easy for me to answer. 

People tend to usually quote their birthplace to explain where they are originally from, or perhaps a current residential place, long enough to be a part of their identity. 

I like exploring identity issues...but the truth is, I'm sometimes confused about my own identity. 

Back to the question, it's awkward for me to quote my birthplace as I happened to be born in Paddington, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. Only lived there for the first 2 years of my life. Can't remember any bit of it. I don't really like to be associated with Australia actually. Hahahaha. So no, I can't say that I'm from Australia for sure (although I was told that I actually have a choice to be a PR/an Australian citizen easier than the general non-Australian public, if I want to, but nahh...no thank you). 

-Royal Hospital for Women, Paddington, Sydney-

So, I usually quote my parents' birthplace and the place they were raised as where I'm from. That's Kedah. My mom is from Alor Setar and my father is from Changlun. Not as awkward as saying I'm from Australia but it still personally feels funny as I never really lived in Kedah. The longest I've lived in Kedah was 6 months, and that was when I was teaching in UiTM Merbok, Kedah. Not long enough to actually establish myself as a Kedahan I suppose. My obviously outlandish Kedah accent doesn't help either. :P

-Kedah-

So what are my remaining choices? The closest one (to the heart) is actually Gombak, Selangor. That's because as far as I could remember, the first memory of my childhood was in Gombak.. We lived there upon returning from Sydney Australia in 1986/7. and since then, I lived there for about 14 years (1987-1991; 1996-2004). I was in Rompin, Pahang in between those years (1992-1995). 

-My primary school, for 3 years-

My whole secondary school years were in Sekolah Menengah Seri Gombak-- a humble daily school, 10 mins walk away from home. No regrets. Absolutely my choice. :) . Back then, it felt ok to say I'm from Gombak, but these days...again, it feels awkward since none of my family members lives there anymore. 

-Sekolah terchenta-

Mid 2004, our family moved to Presint 8, Putrajaya, as my father used to work there before retirement. I rebelled as I loved Gombak so much. It was a place where I learned about life and established a lot of meaningful friendships.

-The view from my bedroom in Putrajaya was really something like this-

Thank God I only had to live there for 6 months before going off to Wellington, New Zealand for a 2-year study period, a part of a twinning programme with KPM. 

-Wellington city, New Zealand-

When I returned to Malaysia end of 2006, my family had already started living in Jitra, Kedah that year, until now. What a culture shock that was! Gombak-Putrajaya-Wellington-Jitra. Grrr...

-Bandar Darul Aman, Jitra, Kedah-

For my Masters studies in June 2008-November 2009, I lived in Kuala Lumpur mostly. One semester in Kolej 11 hostel in UM, one semester renting a room in a crazy Indian granny's terrace house in Bangsar, and another semester renting a room in a flat-rumah kedai level 2 in Taman Seri Manja, PJ Old Town. Quite a crazy ride I must say.

Before I came to Coventry for studies, I lived in Shah Alam for work purposes as I was teaching in UiTM Shah Alam. I love Shah Alam, but I had only lived there for about 5 years. I guess not long enough to say that I'm from there too. 

-Picture taken from our condominium unit on level 7 in Seksyen 9, Shah Alam-

and now, I'm in Coventry for PhD studies. Doakan... 

-Coventry city-

But since my parents are from Kedah, and they are in fact currently residing in Kedah, I guess that's my best choice. I actually personally treat Kedah more as my 'kampung'...not exactly MY place. It has always been that way. A short visit to Kedah during Hari Raya once a year, since I was small. Or during university term break (during final year degree and Master studies), at most. What to do...

So I guess, I will never get the answer. That question will always be the most unappealing question for me to answer. I would be hesitant and I won't ever be happy with my answer. 

But that's alright, I guess eccentricity is in my blood. ;)

I might as well just give people the link to this post if they ask me "'orang mana?" rather than bore them with a 20-minute lecture about my regional identity. ;)

What matters most is that all these places have somehow contributed to at least a part of who I am today as we learn different things in different settings. :D

But if you are a non-Malaysian, my answer is absolutely clear -- I'm a Malaysian. :)

Azrin's 2016

Hello rusty blog!

You know what. The very reason I set up this blog was actually to share my PhD journey in Coventry with my fellow friends. 

3 months down the lane, and obviously I haven't shared much right?

A lot of things have been going on but I have mostly shared them on Instagram.

I don't seem to get much motivation to write on this blog these days..and to be frank, I'm not sure why.

Year after year and it seems to be just the same since I got married. Occasional posts here and there.

Obviously my kids are taking a lot of my precious time, which I'm not complaining about. I guess that's natural. I don't like to use my kids as an excuse, although sometimes you just need to accept the realities of motherhood. 

But, I love writing....and sharing.. 

so I guess blogging has to be one of my resolutions for 2016.

I have had a notorious history of having a looooong list of resolutions, and only achieving perhaps, hmmnn.. one?

So, here I am, doing it all again...and just being sooooo Azrin.

In random order, I must: 

1) Be more ORGANISED. I have countless notebooks. Make use of them!!

2) Be healthier. I have been on a very relaxed diet and a few personal workout and gym sessions for the past one month. Only lost 2kgs...which I think is just water weight coz I don't feel any smaller. So, need to be more determined. Eat more quality food and shake my tooshie like crazy! For God's sake, I need to lose around 10 more kilossss!!!! 

3) As mentioned earlier, blog more!

4) Join more support groups ..or any groups at all. Get to know new people, widen the social network, and keep in touch.

5) Improve my relationship with Allah. In all ways.

6) Be kinder to all people. Perform random acts of kindness, even to strangers. Don't judge, don't discriminate. 

7) Have better time management! All the more important when both husband and wife are doing PhD and handling 2 small children. 

8) Have better financial management. Which seeeeemed to start on a positive note as I have begun setting some money aside for savings, travel, etc. Let's see how much and how long this will motivate our family. Hopefully, it'll be a long-term good habit!

9) Explore more new places. From the small unfrequented cafe in the university... to the farthest end of England. We'll see. 

10) Improve my self-confidence. I've always been the kind of person who is easily intimidated by people around me. Here in Warwick, in my department, my remaining confidence can easily go down the drain amongst people who seem so intellectually capable. I didn't even say anything in my PhD class during discussion in the first 4-5 sessions for the fear of sounding stupid. Later I summoned up enough courage to give my opinions, and it wasn't so bad. In fact, it felt liberating! Confidence is building up, but still not enough to appear like a respectable PhD student. 

Ok, that's all for now. 10 is enough. Let's try not to be too ambitious. 

But for the sake of my sanity, please pray that I get to materialise all these. Aminn...

Azrin Dhazzy

My most common name used by friends = Azrin

My favourite nickname created by my Indian pen pal back in the secondary school years = Azzy

Darwish + Harith + Azzy = Dhazzy

Azrin Dhazzy ;)

Ciao Salam