You are what you wear?

Obviously I haven't updated my blog for quite some time. I have lotsa things on my mind that I've been thinking of writing about here, but I keep postponing. Grr...

Some of the reasons I made this new blog and closed the old one are:

1. My old blog was a little too 'childish'.

2. I wanted a new platform to share my PhD journey. 

3. My previous blog had too much of my pictures not covering my aurah.

So relating to no.3, I'm gonna talk a bit on clothing today. I hope this won't be too lengthy, as my other entries.

My good friends before I got married knew how 'stubborn' I was when it came to clothing.

During those days, I would consider myself not too sexy, and surely not that modest. On normal occasions not governed by any 'rules', I wouldn't wear any head scarves. I didn't exactly come from a religious family. So, it didn't really feel odd. I was not being rebellious. I just didn't feel like wearing it. I considered my hair to be a big part of my identity. Yeah, of course I gave lotsa 'excuses' which were then all very valid to me. 

My secondary school was pretty religious actually, and I was surrounded by mostly religious friends who observed Islamic teachings, clothing-wise. I was ridiculed my some boys about not wearing the hijab. Some even had the audacity to say "Kalau tak pakai tudung, baik bogel je". I cried. Did that make me want to wear a hijab? Nope. It pretty much had a reverse effect. I became even more stubborn and hated all these pretentious people who acted like God.

Even during university years, when I joined UiTM for a while, I was among a very small number of 'free-hair' girls in UiTM Jalan Othman. I always received cold stares from seniors. Not exactly motivating.

When I joined IPBA, there were 10 of us in a 'dorm'. 7 of us were Malays, and at the beginning, I was the only one who was free-hair. I didn't care. I just was the kind of person who didn't give a d*mn, as long as I did not interfere in other people's business.

All through the university years, there were ups and downs. Whenever I was with 'alim-looking' people who were being nice to me, and didn't seem to judge me, I really thought highly of these people. I admired them. A true reflection of Muslims. Nonetheless, there were people who were a little too judgmental, saying nasty things, who totally turned me off from becoming 'one of them' - wearing head scarves but whose personality did not exactly reflect true Muslims, who by right shouldn't judge others.

Actually, even my own mom started wearing hijab after the age of 40, and I started wearing one after I got married. Ok, to be exact, 3 weeks after I got married. So I have been a 'hijabi' lady for just over 6 years. I remember feeling very anxious to see my mom's reaction when she first saw me in hijab. It was at the airport in Alor Star. She was trying to find a girl with long hair, but couldn't find one. Of course she looked shocked when she finally realised my new image, but I'm glad it wasn't too awkward. Hehe. Doesn't really matter now. We all develop at a different pace. 

Ok I don't even know where this is going, but basically I think I want to convey the message that wearing a hijab is still relatively new to me. It has started to feel normal in the past 1-2 years, but not really before that. 

And my progress to 'improve' myself, in terms of covering aurah, has been quite slow. I started off with just wearing 'bawal', not quite covering the chest area. I didn't care much about whether my pants were too tight or if my top was too short. Then slowly, with the examples shown by good friends, I started wearing longer tops, bigger shawls, and then slowly wearing socks and hand socks. It wasn't a drastic change for me from the beginning, obviously. Of course I wish I had made a better and faster change, but I do believe that it was such a gradual change too that made the habit easier to be formed and difficult to be lost, in my situation. I think, knowing my personality, if there were people who condemned my un-Islamic way of dressing in my first few attempts at covering my aurah, I would have been defensive and turned the other way around, out of disgust.

I would like to thank my friends and anyone around me who have been silently preaching me to be a better Muslim, in this respect, by simply becoming good role models. By exemplifying good behaviours, and modest looks which make me strive to become a 'better' Muslim. That it feels attainable..That it doesn't seem difficult...that they could still look good!

Clearly, there are a lot of things I need to improve in this sense. For example, I still love colours soooo much. So for now, it's very dfficult for me to give up colourful clothing and makeup. Oh, and heels too! I still love fashion. I know there are many opinions on this, but this is the best I can do for now. Allah knows my intentions, I'm not out to attract guys etc and He knows I'm trying my best. He is the All-knowing, who looks for my effort, not 'perfection'. But, insya Allah slowly but surely, I will try to be a better person, on the inside and outside.

Does covering my aurah 'better' than before means that I'm a 'better' person now? Nope. Not necessarily. There are in fact at certain points of my life I feel that I was nicer back then, when I didn't exactly look Islamic enough. This journey teaches me to be less judgmental and be more open to diversities around me. Only Allah has the right to judge.

Now, I'm more than happy to shop for Muslimah clothing labels which sell loose tunic tops and other less revealing styles. I realise I can still look acceptable, feel good about myself whilst trying to please Allah too. Yeah, I had to give up some deep-seated interests in earings and hairstyles, but I've developed other new interests too. I'm more than excited these days to have a good collection of nice instant shawls that will make my life easier, as easy as it was to just go out of the house after a shower with damp hair. There are no more excuses.

Islam is easy. Let's not make it difficult.

Thank you Allah for your help and for bringing the right people into my life.

Thank you.

Azrin

Things I Love about Coventry

I think I'd mentioned a few weeks earlier about how I've started loving The University of Warwick but not really loving Coventry and the UK, just yet.

Today, I can say that I've started to love Coventry too. Not as deep as my love for Gombak, Shah Alam or Wellington, of course...I've only been here for 14 weeks! 

But since the 1st of October 2015, I've been to short trips to other cities, like Birmingham, Cardiff, Swansea, Bath, Bristol, and Oxford. Not much, but I can start to see some additional appeal of living in Coventry somehow. 

The reasons I start loving Coventry are:

1. The People, The Culture

Malaysians here are quite a close-knit community and we help one another in all sorts of ways. Allah gives me the opportunity to meet like-minded Malaysians over here with whom I can be good friends, till Jannah insya Allah. For example, my friends Aireen and Hana are the closest to me now as they live nearby and come from related fields of study. and of course their characteristics too seem to blend well with mine, surprisingly, considering my eccentric nature. Alhamdulillah. 

So we get to grab some drinks together, have impromptu lunch, surprise one another with random acts of kindness,  go to gym together sometimes (we signed up together starting last December), go to the city together, join Parkrun and etc. I find friendships the most invaluable gift for now coz I don't get close to people that easily, that fast...and it's quite amazing I can do that with these two people. Alhamdulillah

-me with Aireen-

 -me with Hana-

Other Malaysians are super nice too. There are a lot of regular informal religious talks-usrah being conducted too, the kind of activities that I rarely attended in Malaysia :( . So this is a good exposure, clearly. and of course there's makan-makan too afterwards, that can give me temporary satiation for my lust for Malaysian food. 

-One of the Usrah sessions-

The beautiful thing is, other local people here are quite nice too. I've been blessed with wonderful neighbours. So I hope we could live in the same house for the next 3 years, insya Allah. Hopefully, the landlord loves us too. Never met him/her, though. and so far I've not experienced any racist encounters in Coventry yet. Alhamdulillah...May we always be protected by the mercy of Allah.

I also have fellow mommy friends like Siti, Nabilah and Esther who have children about the same age as mine. So we understand each others' challenges and get to meet quite often when we send our kids to school in the morning and fetch them at 315pm.

And I get the chance to attend some Islamic talks in the university too. The Islamic association here is pretty strong and established. Love it! 

Every single week there will be free talks that are open to ALL! Yes I mean ALL. You don't have to be Muslims, you are not required to don the hijab, etc. Although some religious preachers may not agree with this approach, I think such a welcoming and unrestrictive culture can really change the perspective about Islam and vanquish the growing Islamophobia among many people here. They can attend the talk and listen for themselves that Islam is a religion of peace. All are constantly reminded not to judge others. I can already see a number of familiar non-Muslim faces who frequently attend such talks, look very interested to join Islam and start learning about it. Alhamdulillah. And an additional advantage is I get to know new friends too! Just yesterday, I got to know two French muslims and two British muslims and they are soooo friendly!!!

2. The University of Warwick. 

Of course. I've even dedicated one post just on this. You can access it here too: The University of Warwick

3. The residential area

It's peaceful and clean here. I feel pretty safe, although I still don't dare to walk at night, except in the university area. 

I've been to Birmingham, and I personally feel that it is generally too crowded, dirty and less safe. What is quite embarrassing is that, usually a place in the UK is dirty and unsafe when it has a high percentage of Muslim population. :( . What an irony when our religion clearly promotes peace and hygiene. :(

4. The city

It's not as bad as I thought it would be before I came here. Not too 'kampung'...and not too extravagant. Yeah, it may not be as pretty as other cities like Bath and Oxford but it's fairly ok. And it's not as walkable as Wellington, but it's a fairly small city in which you can finish exploring on foot in less than a day. It has many eateries and even IKEA!And it has a reasonable amount of shopping places that can still tempt the shopaholic side of me. 

I like the fact that it doesn't seem to have places for clubbing. Or maybe there are, but quite hidden. 

The location of Coventry is also quite strategic, smacked right in the middle of England which means all other major cities are not tooooo far from Coventry.

5. The food!!

There's a huge selection of Halal food here. I was very surprised! Both at the university and the city. In the city, we have one halal KFC, one Halal Nandos, one Halal Subway, Chicken Cottage, and an endless number of other less established Halal eateries, from Middle eastern cuisines, to Indian, German chicken sausages, etc! We also have an area called Foleshill, which is pretty much a Halal food heaven! 

-where we usually buy our Halal raw meat-

Here too we have a mobile app named Just Eat for takeaways. I think it's something like Malaysian Food Panda.

You can filter your search for Halal outlets, and I found 58 choices of Halal restaurants from which I can make orders for home food delivery! That's impressive. But I've only tried that once. Though convenient, most ready-made foods in the UK are not exactly cheap. It's always cheaper to cook by ourselves as the grocery items in supermarkets are super-cheap!

6. The roads and rules

Yes, UK roads are notorious for its endless roundabouts. But, comparatively, the roads in Coventry are not thaaat confusing, with not that many cars. The rules are also easier to follow, and the city doesn't have as many cameras as other bigger or more 'established' cities like London or Oxford. We got two love letters (read: summonses) from Oxford only after being there for less than 3 hours! Crazy!! 

7. Weather

This may sound weird as UK is not known for good weather, in general. It also doesn't have a 'unique' weather like Wellington, but generally it's OK here. Fairly temperate. Generally not windy but it was quite windy at the end of Autumn in Nov/Dec. But stiiilll ok. The winter really feels like winter although snow so far seems to be an occasional phenomenon. It snowed this morning at 6am but I missed it. No heavy snow showers that have disrupted anything so far. But perhaps, too early to tell. The temperatures are plunging now and I haven't experienced Spring and Summer in Coventry yet. We'll see. 

-that morning when it snowed!-

8. My house

Hahaha.. yeah, not perfect. But I can call it my temporary home for now. Just a small terrace house with 3 bedrooms. Not as pretty as many other houses here, but oklaaa.. Comfortable enough to live for the next 3 years, insya Allah. There are also a number of nice helpful Malaysians in this area. I even carpool with some of them on certain nights when I want to spend longer hours in the university until midnight. and it only takes 5 minutes by car (and 30-40mins walk) to reach the university and the nearest 'shopping centre'. Not too bad. The nearest supermarket and hypermarket from home The Cooperative and Sainsbury, are just 5 and 10 minutes walk away from home, respectively.

I guess that's it for now. Will edit, if necessary.

Ciao! Salam.

"Orang mana?"

That's a very simple question asked by many fellow Malaysians, which is far from easy for me to answer. 

People tend to usually quote their birthplace to explain where they are originally from, or perhaps a current residential place, long enough to be a part of their identity. 

I like exploring identity issues...but the truth is, I'm sometimes confused about my own identity. 

Back to the question, it's awkward for me to quote my birthplace as I happened to be born in Paddington, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. Only lived there for the first 2 years of my life. Can't remember any bit of it. I don't really like to be associated with Australia actually. Hahahaha. So no, I can't say that I'm from Australia for sure (although I was told that I actually have a choice to be a PR/an Australian citizen easier than the general non-Australian public, if I want to, but nahh...no thank you). 

-Royal Hospital for Women, Paddington, Sydney-

So, I usually quote my parents' birthplace and the place they were raised as where I'm from. That's Kedah. My mom is from Alor Setar and my father is from Changlun. Not as awkward as saying I'm from Australia but it still personally feels funny as I never really lived in Kedah. The longest I've lived in Kedah was 6 months, and that was when I was teaching in UiTM Merbok, Kedah. Not long enough to actually establish myself as a Kedahan I suppose. My obviously outlandish Kedah accent doesn't help either. :P

-Kedah-

So what are my remaining choices? The closest one (to the heart) is actually Gombak, Selangor. That's because as far as I could remember, the first memory of my childhood was in Gombak.. We lived there upon returning from Sydney Australia in 1986/7. and since then, I lived there for about 14 years (1987-1991; 1996-2004). I was in Rompin, Pahang in between those years (1992-1995). 

-My primary school, for 3 years-

My whole secondary school years were in Sekolah Menengah Seri Gombak-- a humble daily school, 10 mins walk away from home. No regrets. Absolutely my choice. :) . Back then, it felt ok to say I'm from Gombak, but these days...again, it feels awkward since none of my family members lives there anymore. 

-Sekolah terchenta-

Mid 2004, our family moved to Presint 8, Putrajaya, as my father used to work there before retirement. I rebelled as I loved Gombak so much. It was a place where I learned about life and established a lot of meaningful friendships.

-The view from my bedroom in Putrajaya was really something like this-

Thank God I only had to live there for 6 months before going off to Wellington, New Zealand for a 2-year study period, a part of a twinning programme with KPM. 

-Wellington city, New Zealand-

When I returned to Malaysia end of 2006, my family had already started living in Jitra, Kedah that year, until now. What a culture shock that was! Gombak-Putrajaya-Wellington-Jitra. Grrr...

-Bandar Darul Aman, Jitra, Kedah-

For my Masters studies in June 2008-November 2009, I lived in Kuala Lumpur mostly. One semester in Kolej 11 hostel in UM, one semester renting a room in a crazy Indian granny's terrace house in Bangsar, and another semester renting a room in a flat-rumah kedai level 2 in Taman Seri Manja, PJ Old Town. Quite a crazy ride I must say.

Before I came to Coventry for studies, I lived in Shah Alam for work purposes as I was teaching in UiTM Shah Alam. I love Shah Alam, but I had only lived there for about 5 years. I guess not long enough to say that I'm from there too. 

-Picture taken from our condominium unit on level 7 in Seksyen 9, Shah Alam-

and now, I'm in Coventry for PhD studies. Doakan... 

-Coventry city-

But since my parents are from Kedah, and they are in fact currently residing in Kedah, I guess that's my best choice. I actually personally treat Kedah more as my 'kampung'...not exactly MY place. It has always been that way. A short visit to Kedah during Hari Raya once a year, since I was small. Or during university term break (during final year degree and Master studies), at most. What to do...

So I guess, I will never get the answer. That question will always be the most unappealing question for me to answer. I would be hesitant and I won't ever be happy with my answer. 

But that's alright, I guess eccentricity is in my blood. ;)

I might as well just give people the link to this post if they ask me "'orang mana?" rather than bore them with a 20-minute lecture about my regional identity. ;)

What matters most is that all these places have somehow contributed to at least a part of who I am today as we learn different things in different settings. :D

But if you are a non-Malaysian, my answer is absolutely clear -- I'm a Malaysian. :)

Azrin's 2016

Hello rusty blog!

You know what. The very reason I set up this blog was actually to share my PhD journey in Coventry with my fellow friends. 

3 months down the lane, and obviously I haven't shared much right?

A lot of things have been going on but I have mostly shared them on Instagram.

I don't seem to get much motivation to write on this blog these days..and to be frank, I'm not sure why.

Year after year and it seems to be just the same since I got married. Occasional posts here and there.

Obviously my kids are taking a lot of my precious time, which I'm not complaining about. I guess that's natural. I don't like to use my kids as an excuse, although sometimes you just need to accept the realities of motherhood. 

But, I love writing....and sharing.. 

so I guess blogging has to be one of my resolutions for 2016.

I have had a notorious history of having a looooong list of resolutions, and only achieving perhaps, hmmnn.. one?

So, here I am, doing it all again...and just being sooooo Azrin.

In random order, I must: 

1) Be more ORGANISED. I have countless notebooks. Make use of them!!

2) Be healthier. I have been on a very relaxed diet and a few personal workout and gym sessions for the past one month. Only lost 2kgs...which I think is just water weight coz I don't feel any smaller. So, need to be more determined. Eat more quality food and shake my tooshie like crazy! For God's sake, I need to lose around 10 more kilossss!!!! 

3) As mentioned earlier, blog more!

4) Join more support groups ..or any groups at all. Get to know new people, widen the social network, and keep in touch.

5) Improve my relationship with Allah. In all ways.

6) Be kinder to all people. Perform random acts of kindness, even to strangers. Don't judge, don't discriminate. 

7) Have better time management! All the more important when both husband and wife are doing PhD and handling 2 small children. 

8) Have better financial management. Which seeeeemed to start on a positive note as I have begun setting some money aside for savings, travel, etc. Let's see how much and how long this will motivate our family. Hopefully, it'll be a long-term good habit!

9) Explore more new places. From the small unfrequented cafe in the university... to the farthest end of England. We'll see. 

10) Improve my self-confidence. I've always been the kind of person who is easily intimidated by people around me. Here in Warwick, in my department, my remaining confidence can easily go down the drain amongst people who seem so intellectually capable. I didn't even say anything in my PhD class during discussion in the first 4-5 sessions for the fear of sounding stupid. Later I summoned up enough courage to give my opinions, and it wasn't so bad. In fact, it felt liberating! Confidence is building up, but still not enough to appear like a respectable PhD student. 

Ok, that's all for now. 10 is enough. Let's try not to be too ambitious. 

But for the sake of my sanity, please pray that I get to materialise all these. Aminn...

Again

So I decided to be reborn on a spanking new blog.

After alllmmooosssttt 2 years of having the blogger's block syndrome.

Not much to say (soooo NOT Azrin!!). A little awkward huh?



But yes, basically I realise that memories often ebb away a little too fast.

And sometimes, words are more powerful than images.



The long absence from writing, frankly, has taken a piece of my identity away.

And I'm not going to let that happen again.



So here it is.



The old blog is still available, but only to selected people.

Not because of any poyo reasons.

Simply because of my awrah issues in my past ranggi life.



Whoops!



So my dear female friends can gimme your emails if you wish to be given exclusive tickets to read about my life from Welly years up to 2013.

Weks.



Till then. Please support my new blog.

and pray that I will be given enough fortitude and time to keep this going.



Ciao. Salam.