You are what you wear?

Obviously I haven't updated my blog for quite some time. I have lotsa things on my mind that I've been thinking of writing about here, but I keep postponing. Grr...

Some of the reasons I made this new blog and closed the old one are:

1. My old blog was a little too 'childish'.

2. I wanted a new platform to share my PhD journey. 

3. My previous blog had too much of my pictures not covering my aurah.

So relating to no.3, I'm gonna talk a bit on clothing today. I hope this won't be too lengthy, as my other entries.

My good friends before I got married knew how 'stubborn' I was when it came to clothing.

During those days, I would consider myself not too sexy, and surely not that modest. On normal occasions not governed by any 'rules', I wouldn't wear any head scarves. I didn't exactly come from a religious family. So, it didn't really feel odd. I was not being rebellious. I just didn't feel like wearing it. I considered my hair to be a big part of my identity. Yeah, of course I gave lotsa 'excuses' which were then all very valid to me. 

My secondary school was pretty religious actually, and I was surrounded by mostly religious friends who observed Islamic teachings, clothing-wise. I was ridiculed my some boys about not wearing the hijab. Some even had the audacity to say "Kalau tak pakai tudung, baik bogel je". I cried. Did that make me want to wear a hijab? Nope. It pretty much had a reverse effect. I became even more stubborn and hated all these pretentious people who acted like God.

Even during university years, when I joined UiTM for a while, I was among a very small number of 'free-hair' girls in UiTM Jalan Othman. I always received cold stares from seniors. Not exactly motivating.

When I joined IPBA, there were 10 of us in a 'dorm'. 7 of us were Malays, and at the beginning, I was the only one who was free-hair. I didn't care. I just was the kind of person who didn't give a d*mn, as long as I did not interfere in other people's business.

All through the university years, there were ups and downs. Whenever I was with 'alim-looking' people who were being nice to me, and didn't seem to judge me, I really thought highly of these people. I admired them. A true reflection of Muslims. Nonetheless, there were people who were a little too judgmental, saying nasty things, who totally turned me off from becoming 'one of them' - wearing head scarves but whose personality did not exactly reflect true Muslims, who by right shouldn't judge others.

Actually, even my own mom started wearing hijab after the age of 40, and I started wearing one after I got married. Ok, to be exact, 3 weeks after I got married. So I have been a 'hijabi' lady for just over 6 years. I remember feeling very anxious to see my mom's reaction when she first saw me in hijab. It was at the airport in Alor Star. She was trying to find a girl with long hair, but couldn't find one. Of course she looked shocked when she finally realised my new image, but I'm glad it wasn't too awkward. Hehe. Doesn't really matter now. We all develop at a different pace. 

Ok I don't even know where this is going, but basically I think I want to convey the message that wearing a hijab is still relatively new to me. It has started to feel normal in the past 1-2 years, but not really before that. 

And my progress to 'improve' myself, in terms of covering aurah, has been quite slow. I started off with just wearing 'bawal', not quite covering the chest area. I didn't care much about whether my pants were too tight or if my top was too short. Then slowly, with the examples shown by good friends, I started wearing longer tops, bigger shawls, and then slowly wearing socks and hand socks. It wasn't a drastic change for me from the beginning, obviously. Of course I wish I had made a better and faster change, but I do believe that it was such a gradual change too that made the habit easier to be formed and difficult to be lost, in my situation. I think, knowing my personality, if there were people who condemned my un-Islamic way of dressing in my first few attempts at covering my aurah, I would have been defensive and turned the other way around, out of disgust.

I would like to thank my friends and anyone around me who have been silently preaching me to be a better Muslim, in this respect, by simply becoming good role models. By exemplifying good behaviours, and modest looks which make me strive to become a 'better' Muslim. That it feels attainable..That it doesn't seem difficult...that they could still look good!

Clearly, there are a lot of things I need to improve in this sense. For example, I still love colours soooo much. So for now, it's very dfficult for me to give up colourful clothing and makeup. Oh, and heels too! I still love fashion. I know there are many opinions on this, but this is the best I can do for now. Allah knows my intentions, I'm not out to attract guys etc and He knows I'm trying my best. He is the All-knowing, who looks for my effort, not 'perfection'. But, insya Allah slowly but surely, I will try to be a better person, on the inside and outside.

Does covering my aurah 'better' than before means that I'm a 'better' person now? Nope. Not necessarily. There are in fact at certain points of my life I feel that I was nicer back then, when I didn't exactly look Islamic enough. This journey teaches me to be less judgmental and be more open to diversities around me. Only Allah has the right to judge.

Now, I'm more than happy to shop for Muslimah clothing labels which sell loose tunic tops and other less revealing styles. I realise I can still look acceptable, feel good about myself whilst trying to please Allah too. Yeah, I had to give up some deep-seated interests in earings and hairstyles, but I've developed other new interests too. I'm more than excited these days to have a good collection of nice instant shawls that will make my life easier, as easy as it was to just go out of the house after a shower with damp hair. There are no more excuses.

Islam is easy. Let's not make it difficult.

Thank you Allah for your help and for bringing the right people into my life.

Thank you.

Azrin